How one man from New Zealand,
attempting to buy a Ross Ryan CD,
discovered the virtues of patience and
the ecstasy of shopping over the Internet.

Part 1 - Doug Makes Contact

From: Doug Coutts
To: Coathanger Merchandising
Date: Thu, 25 Jun 1998
Subject: The Greats of Ross... I just got it. Very Steinway.

Anyway, I had an old battered cassette of Ross Ryan songs that was really good until it died.
I would like to do the decent thing and buy the CD.

How much?

Cheers
Doug Coutts

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From: Coathanger
Date: Thu, 25 Jun 1998

Dear Doug

Sorry to hear about your late lamented cassette. Well ... not sorry enough to realise that it's good for us. And yes, you are doing the decent thing - our kind of guy.

You happen to be in luck Doug. We have 4 copies (count 'em - 4!) of "The Greats of Ross" left and I'll put one aside for you.

Here's the money deal. You send us $30 in Oz dollars (yea I know it's not all that convenient but you're buying a collectors' item here) - other NZ folk have just sent either bank cheques or money orders in Oz currency and that's been Jim Dandy.

Shortly afterwards (or there abouts) the CD in question (it's a bit like buying a puppy after your faithful dog dies isn't it?) will be winging it's way to you.

Cheers
Connie Person

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From: Doug Coutts
Date: Thu, 25 Jun 1998

>Sorry to hear about your late lamented cassette.

And probably even less sorry when I tell you it was taped from someone's album.

Anyway, seeing the NZ dollar isn't doing badly at the moment (= 6 cents Australian or half a rouble) expect an envelope soon. Unless you take VISA?

Cheers

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From: Coathanger
Date: Thu, 25 Jun 1998

Dear Doug

No we don't take Visa. We await your money with anticipation.

Cheers
Connie

PS Our lawyers will be contacting you shortly re the album taping business.

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From: Doug Coutts
Date: Wed, 01 Jul 1998

>Here's the money deal. You send us $30 in Oz dollars...

Just to let you know I am still arranging the finance. With the exchange rate what it is, I can only manage to get one wheelbarrowful of NZ dollars to the bank a day.

Watch this space - or your post office box.

Cheers
Doug Coutts

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From: Coathanger
Date: Fri, 03 Jul 1998
Subject: Your money

Dear Doug

I am writing this from a laptop as I stand outside our postbox awaiting your money.

Cheers

Connie Person
Marketing & Merchandising Manager
Coathanger Productions

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From: Doug Coutts

We have unfortunately misplaced Doug's letter. In it he mentioned how funny looking Oz money was and possibly how much he was looking forward to soon receiving his CD.

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From: Coathanger
Date: Wed, 15 Jul 1998

Hi Doug

Just to let you know that the funny money with holes in it arrived intact. As soon as we can drag the guy who physically takes stuff to the post office out of the studio, your CD will be winging its way to you.

Cheers
Connie Person

Part 2 - Doug Makes a Big Mistake

From: Doug Coutts:
Date: Wed, 15 Jul 1998

This week the $NZ - $AUS exchange rate is better.

Please add another 30 seconds to the CD.

Cheers
Coutts

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From: Doug Coutts
Date: Tue, 04 Aug 1998
Subject: The Greats of Ross

Please advise of the size and colour of the bottle containing my CD so I will know what to look for as I sit on the beach gazing out to sea.

And I hope you used a proper-fitting cork.

Cheers
Doug Coutts

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From: Coathanger
Date: Wed, 05 Aug 1998

Dear Douglas

Your CD has been delayed due to the necessity - as per your instructions - to add 30 seconds to your "Greats of Ross" CD (Ross wrote and recorded a 30 sec song dedicated to improved financial relations between our nations). However a recent check of the Oz / Nz exchange rate shows that things have moved back into Australia's favour. As a result, our technicians at G.I. Recorders are presently scraping the extra time from the CD and as soon has that has been completed it will be floating happily towards you in a south easterly directions.

You'll eventually find it washed up next to that wretched piano.

Cheers

Connie Person
Customer Relations Officer
Coathanger Productions

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From: Coathanger
Date: Wed, 12 Aug 1998

Our Dear Doug

Just a quick note to let you know that our technicians at GI Recorders have finally managed to scrape off the 30 seconds mentioned earlier.

However, some of the remaining tracks may at times, burst into unrelated musical interludes. Because we only use ecologically friendly, recycled CDs in our manufacturing process - this is usually quite normal - and over the years ceases to be too annoying

So everything is in order. The CD is ready and we've already spent your money. Just one last bit. Some fool in our vast organisation has misplaced your mailing address. To help save their job, could you please e-mail it to me. Failing that, we won't bother you any further regarding this matter.

Regards
Connie Person

Part 3 - Doug Makes Another Mistake

From: Doug Coutts
Date: Wed, 12 Aug 1998

>However, some of the remaining tracks may at times, burst into unrelated musical interludes.

Interestingly enough, I was working at a show - a party for local AMP staff actually - the other day when one of the acts - a local man and his guitar Barry Saunders, formerly of the Warratahs - did a version of Rolf Harris's "Sun Arise", with accordion back-up. It was really cool. Anyway, I have taken legal advice and should there be any Rolf Harris on my CD then Messrs Hedge Bicker and Quibble will be in touch with you directly.

Cheers

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From: Coathanger
Date: Fri, 14 Aug 1998

Dear Doug

Thank you for your charming Rolf Harris story.

Also thanks for the address. We shall now send off your "Greats of Ross" CD ... wait a minute - there's been another currency movement ... - damn. Hey, listen Doug - we'll get back to you .....

Yours as always

Connie Person
Merchandising, Customer Liaison & International Currency Monitor
Coathanger Productions

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From: Doug Coutts
Date: Sat, 15 Aug 1998

>Thank you for your charming Rolf Harris story.

He may be the greatest Australian performer since Frank Ifield, but he's not charming.

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From: Coathanger
Date: Thu, 27 Aug 1998
Subject: Good onya Doug

Dear Doug

Just a short note to let you know we haven't forgotten about you or your order.

We will always appreciate your money.

Yours in gratitude

Connie Person
Marketing and Stalling Tactics Division
Coathanger Productions

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From: Doug Coutts
Date: Mon, 31 Aug 1998

Just as well. We are getting concerned a little yes. In fact a colleague even suggested that "The Pub With No Beer", "Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport" and the classic "Two Little Boys" would probably not be included on the CD. My anxiety levels are building. Maybe it is for the best I turned down the lucrative job as All Black coach.

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From: Coathanger
Date: Tue, 01 Sep 1998

Our Doug

We've been happily chatting away for some time now to the extent that we at Coathanger feel that we've built up some kind of personal relationship with you. One that, we at least, are starting to treasure.

I know you haven't actually got the CD in your hot little hands yet (and yes, as mentioned before - we do have your money - well actually it's ours - you're a New Zealander and you folks have your own money), but having said that and all Rolf Harris jokes aside - things seem to be pretty much on the up and up. Don't you think?

Your very pal,

Connie Person
Zen Marketing and Stalling Tactics Division
Coathanger Productions

Part 4 - Doug Tries Latin

From: Doug Coutts
Date: Wed, 16 Sep 1998
Subject: Hey seriously...

I remember the day we first emailed like it was just three months ago. You said then that you had four "GOR" CDs in stock. Now it seems they're being hand engraved by Taiwanese boat people in Darwin.

What gives? Que pasa? Ducle et decorum est pro patria mori?

Declining minds need to know.

Respectfully yours
Coutts.

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From: Coathanger
Date: Mon, 21 Sep 1998

Hi Doug

You'll be pleased to know that the staff from Coathanger have just returned from Darwin (like 15 minutes ago) where we've been on a customer relations seminar whilst Ross did some gigs - which unfortunately we all missed. Your name came up quite often during the conference as we pondered how far we could push you. Appears you've cracked.

Our techs will get their shit together this week. Lucky it's only a RR (or does one use "an" in these situations?) CD and nothing too important eh?

You've been a fun guy to almost do business with Doug!!

Yours as always
Connie Person

Part 5 - Things Start to Get Ugly

From: Doug Coutts
Date: Tue, 22 Sep 1998

Cut the crap and send the disc before my La Gloria Audiophonic-orama radiogram (with lifelike mahogany case) becomes obsolete.

Endearingly yours from an idyllic Pacific backwater

Coutts

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From: Doug Coutts (again)
Date: Wed, 23 Sep 1998
Subject: I didn't like the tone of my previous email...

Cut the crap? Could be taken the wrong way I thought as I lay awake at 3 am.

I was being jocular.

Just thought I should clear that up. CER and all that bollocks.

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From: Coathanger
Date: Wed, 23 Sep 1998
Subject: What a guy .....

Dearest Doug

I must admit that I thought we'd lost you. I too lost some sleep (no really).

I know we've been incredibly slack but if you fully understood how this whole Coathanger thing actually tries to function you'd ... well I won't go on about it. Our intent has been to assemble something along the lines of our previous and enjoyable discussions. However constraints of time (there really was a trip to Darwin) and learning the appropriate technology has been productive but slow.

Keep believing Doug - we want this to happen for you. And thanks for being so sweet and worrying about our feelings. I was truly touched.

Love
Connie

PS Did I happen to mention that we also appreciated the money?

Part 6 - Doug in Denial

From: Doug Coutts
Date: Wed, 30 Sep 1998
Subject: The view from my window...

The sky is blue, there are a couple of wispy clouds and if I crane my neck a little to the left I can almost see into one of the bathrooms in the old Hotel St George across the street.

It's summer here in Wellington.

Nothing else to report, except a rapidly approaching deadline. Time for another game of Scrabble, or maybe I should run Scan Disk...

Ah, the freelance life.

Cheers

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From: Coathanger
Date: Mon, 05 Oct 1998

We had a few spots of rain, late afternoon - a direct result of it being overcast for most of the day. Don't get me wrong - it wasn't cold or anything, just kind of gray. I had dinner last night with some friends I haven't seen for over 15 years. I ordered a porterhouse, rare.

The wrong people just won the election. We used to have Scrabble but we sold it - well someone paid for it and we'll be posting it off to them any day now. What version of Scan Disk do you use?

Connie Person
Merchandising & Defrag
Coathanger Productions

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From: Doug Coutts
Date: Tue, 06 Oct 1998

>What version of Scan Disk do you use?

Actually ... well, you see... I don't have any kind of Scan Disk. I don't even have a computer. I made it up, to make myself seem important. It's all a sham, a terrible sham. I feel like bursting into tears, except I won't because then it would be a crying sham.

Part 7 - Doug Turns To Sarcasm

From: Xenon Laboratories
Date: Wed, 14 Oct 1998
Subject: The Universal Currency Converter(tm)

To: Connie Person
CC: Doug Coutts

Connie Person:

Doug Coutts wanted you to see The Universal Currency Converter(TM) at:

http://www.xe.net/currency/

This *free* Web-based service enables you to quickly and easily calculate how much any amount of one currency is worth in another currency.

Doug Coutts included the following message for you:

        "Here you can work out the exchange rate. Today $30AUD = $34.75NZD".

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From: Coathanger Productions
Date: Thu, 15 Oct 1998
Subject: Re: The Universal Currency Converter(TM)

Dear Doug

So how are we today? Thanks heaps for the currency converter address.

This will allow us to constantly monitor the NZ and Oz currencies so that we can be adjusting the exact length of your CD right up to the moment we mail it to you. For the sake of expediency would it be OK if we round the time off to the nearest 5 sec segment? This will save months.

I've seen some of the proofs and overheard bits of the early test pressings and I'm pleased to report that we're pretty happy with how things are shaping up.

Don't be a stranger Doug.

Yours etc

Connie Person
Marketing and Overseas Financial Liaison Officer
Coathanger Productions

Part 8 - Doug Suddenly Realises It's Been 4 Months

From: Doug Coutts
Date: Thu, 15 Oct 1998
Subject: Re: The Greats of Ross

>> Coathanger Productions <connie@coathanger.com.au>

>>25/June/1998 02:48pm >>>

>>Dear Doug

>>Sorry to hear about your late lamented cassette. Well ... not sorry enough to realize that it's good for us. And yes, you are doing the decent thing - our kind of guy.

>>You happen to be in luck Doug. We have 4 copies (count 'em - 4!) of "The Greats of Ross" left and I'll put one aside for you.

This doesn't really appear to be the case does it?

Getting grumpier all the time

Coutts.

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From: Coathanger
Date: Fri, 16 Oct 1998

Dear Doug

Thank you for sending us a copy of our original e-mail to you. You'll be pleased to know that we too kept a copy. But your thoughtfulness has been noted.

Just to remind you, yes indeed we DID have your CD ready to send but your later instructions forced us to push our technology to the limits.

It is Coathanger's intent to give our customers the best service possible - even if it does take a tad longer than we like it to. Going that extra mile is not always easy.

However - there is light at the end of your tunnel Doug. Our Special Projects manager has spoken to me this morning and he assures me that your CD will be ready for testing early next week. Shortly after that we will be in a position to move towards a "travelling-to-the-post office" situation.

Be assured that all the staff here at Coathanger are totally focused on getting you out of the way (and we mean that in the nicest possible way). Don't get grumpy. We didn't get annoyed when we discovered that you, for years, were ripping Ross off by possessing an illegal, dishonest and pirated copy of his material. May we also note you that you possessed that tape much longer than this project has taken.

If it's any help to you - let's consider that the money you've sent us (and once again thank you) covers fully your past sins. Thus, your CD-to-be will be a gift from us.

Rome wasn't burnt in a day.

Have to check the exchange rate now. If we can be of further help - please don't hesitate to contact us.

Yours, as always
Connie

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From: Doug Coutts
Date: Fri, 16 Oct 1998
Subject: All joking aside...

I am more than a little confused. Although most of this is down to my Scottish Presbyterian upbringing, you may be able to assist in my partial recovery.

1. When I asked about the Greats of Ross CD, you replied that there were four left and $30AUD would secure me one.

2. After I sent over the moolah and you advised of its safe arrival, I thought it would be terribly amusing to request extra songs because of the soaring exchange rate.

3. It were an attempt at humour... (Something we New Zealanders keep trying to do, although with scant success - if you've ever seen our television.)

4. Even if your team is seriously attempting to cut me my own personal Ross Ryan CD, it shouldn't have taken this long.

5. Over the years I have (and this is true) regularly searched record stores - both new and second hand - for the works of Ross Ryan, to no avail. And anyway I only ever played the tape on stolen stereo gear.

6. Is your picture for real or should I remove it from my desktop?

I would appreciate one, just one, straight answer.

Cheers
Coutts DJ.

** He never met a deadline he didn't like **

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From: Coathanger Productions
Date: Sat, 17 Oct 1998
Subject: Re: All joking aside...

Hi Doug

>Doug Coutts wrote:

> I am more than a little confused. Although most of this is down to my Scottish Presbyterian upbringing, you may be able to assist in my partial recovery.

Anything we can do to help Doug.

> 1. When I asked about the Greats of Ross CD, you replied that there were four left and $30AUD would secure me one.

This is true.

> 2. After I sent over the moolah and you advised of its safe arrival, I thought it would be terribly amusing to request extra songs because of the soaring exchange rate.

We remember that well.

> 3. It were an attempt at humour... (Something we New Zealanders keep trying to do, although with scant success - if you've ever seen our television.)

Do you mean "was" rather than "were"?

> 4. Even if your team is seriously attempting to cut me my own personal Ross Ryan CD, it shouldn't have taken this long.

Absolutely. We have seriously, as far as time frame is concerned, let you down.

> 5. Over the years I have (and this is true) regularly searched record stores - both new and second hand - for the works of Ross Ryan, to no avail. And anyway I only ever played the tape on stolen stereo gear.

We realize how hard it is to procure RR material. Hence our ability to tinker with folks like yourself. Please send another $30 to cover the stolen stereo equipment.

> 6. Is your picture for real or should I remove it from my desktop?

What do you mean is my picture for real? Is it really on your desktop?
Oh Doug I am most flattered!!!

> I would appreciate one, just one, straight answer.

Sure, fire away.

Your pinup girl
Connie

PS Next week is still looking good.

** Never met a deadline. **

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Part 9 - Doug Retires Hurt

From: Coathanger Productions
Date: Thu, 22 Oct 1998
Subject: Thursday

Hey Doug

Are you getting just a little bit excited? It'll be any day now ....

Connie

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From: Doug Coutts
Date: Thu, 22 Oct 1998
Subject: Re: Thursday

>At 10:02 22/10/98 +1000, you wrote:

>Hey Doug

>Are you getting just a little bit excited? It'll be any day now ....

>Connie

_____________________________________

_____________________________________

Douglas J Coutts

** Writing done **

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1. The "Special Doug Edition of the Greats Of Ross"
2. A "Bonus-One-Off-CD Collection of miscellaneous Ross stuff "
3. The "Ross Ryan Show Bag"
4. A bound copy of the above Coutts-Person correspondence
5. A 10x8 signed photo from Connie
6. A personal letter sealed in a corked bottle

The "GOR" CD contained an extra 30 second track entitled "New Zealand, New Zealand" along with the remix, "I'm Jake The Pegasus", featuring the original Ross Ryan recording blended tastefully with Rolf Harris songs.

EXCLUSIVE TO THESE PARTICULAR LINKS!!

New Zealand, New Zealand MP3 Real Audio

I'm Jake The Pegasus MP3 Real Audio

Part 10 - Postscript (One Year Later)

From: Doug Coutts
Date: Wed, Oct 06, 1999
Subject: What gives?

After 400 playings in a row, the top layer of my cd has worn away to reveal a Wiggles picture disc underneath. How cheap...

Douglas J Coutts

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From: Coathanger Productions
Date: Thurs, Oct 07, 1999
Subject: Re: What Gives?

Hi there Doug Baby

Just wait until the 800th play.
Hope you like Des O'Connor & Yoko's early work.

Love
Connie

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